I go to the gym daily and yes, that means Every. Damn. Day. It’s just something I do, like brushing my teeth, or using my whiney voice. It’s part of my daily check list so that I can spend the rest of the day abusing my body by pouring copious amounts of toxic chemicals and sugar into it. Now you would think that with all this working out that I’d be in some semblance of good shape. But no, I’ve managed to spend my ENTIRE adult life between 15 and 30 pounds overweight. It’s almost impressive. It takes a tremendous amount of self abuse to avoid losing weight and getting in shape given the sheer amount of hours I put into this type of physical exertion.
However, I’ve come up with a theory about the gym. We’ve all been there at some point in our life when we see somebody go on a diet SUCCESSFULLY and lose weight. Then we have to say to them, “Congrats, you look amazing! How did you do it?” all the while simmering inside that they look great. They are standing there like a mirror of self-incrimination and you’re thinking “OMG, I’m such a piece of shit! I have no staying power! Why can’t I lose weight? OMG!”
Years ago I decided I would never be that person. My goal is to be the person at the gym that looks like shit. I stay overweight as a favor to all the other women (and men) at the gym. I threw myself on the sword and took one for the team. I don’t want YOU to feel bad because for the first time in my life, I developed self-discipline and actually began a diet and stayed on it. NO. I’m here for all the women of the world who just want to eat a dessert occasionally, have a drink, eat a pancake ... you get the picture!
So let’s hear it for the Lynn MacDonald’s of the world: doing humanity a favor by remaining plump. All you bitches out there owe me!