Dear friends, family, Romans and other fellow countrymen, lend me your ears:
We have received complaints about the lack of humor in your household…it’s not our fault that the majority of Christmas letters suck. Just this past week I received a letter talking about how perfect the lives of several people were going…like we care. So now we take on the annual challenge of updating you of the dramatic and dynamic lives of those living in CASA MACDONALD.
After being accepted to Harvard, Princeton, Yale, MIT, Cal-Tec, Stanford, UPENN, Duke, Vanderbilt, Northwestern, Brown, University of Chicago, Michigan, UVA, UNC, Berkeley, UCLA, Tufts, Dartmouth, Columbia, Cornell, NYU, Georgetown, Oberlin, Rice, Amherst, Davidson, Williams, Johns Hopkins, and Emory, Keely was feeling pretty good about things, but life took a turn for the worse when she was denied from GTCC (Guilford Technical Community College). Unable to face this calamity, she fled to Vietnam to help work with underprivileged and overfed cats, often used as “soup stock” over there. Here, Keely was recruited to a famous school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, known to muggles as “Hogwarts.” You see, her parents had been killed by an evil wizard known as he-who-must-not-be-named…OH WAIT. Never mind. That was someone else…I am her mother. We don’t actually know Keely’s whereabouts at this time…she fell out of touch after alligator-wrestling in the rainforests of Indonesia. We’ll keep you posted.
We can’t seem to shake Daniel…we’re always hinting that the house is too crowded, even without Keely, but he always stays! He’s quite obtuse. Daniel has his own theme song at this point—it sounds oddly similar to ESPN’s Sports Center theme song (DA DA DUNT, DA DA DUNT!). He’s got his learners permit so watch out on the roads!! Well, there’s nothing more to say about Daniel as he is easily offended by our own letters…so we’ll move on.
Kevin’s always uptight and whining about this so-called “recession,” like the housing industry isn’t a stellar industry to be in right now. His knee operations fail to work and he has given up hobbling around the basketball court…BASICALLY we summed it up last year: he’s still a f***ing mess.
Andie…I’m trying here…
I’ve been getting my ass kicked lately by a bunch of 70-year-olds in Mahjong. I think they conned me by letting me win two weeks in a row and killing me every week since (those hustling bitches)…I no longer have enough quarters to buy bubble gum at the grocery store. I’ve really changed a lot recently—after reading our own letters for the last few years I realized I’ve been an underachiever. To rectify this, I’ve become involved in our community: Mayor of Greensboro, Chief of Police of Greensboro, Fire Chief of Greensboro, Comptroller of Greensboro, Head of Greensboro Sewer Commission, Vice-chancellor of Greensboro, Assistant-Dictator of Greensboro, and head of the National Rifle Association. But my biggest feat and greatest pride was starting the NAACP. NO JUST KIDDING. But I actually started a philanthropy called “Save the Cats in Vietnam” (SCV); you see, they’re commonly used as soup-stock. Midnight was my main source of inspiration.
Speaking of Midnight, she’s still alive, and one of the most majestic creatures you’ll ever meet. With a tiny head and body the size of a mature watermelon, Midnight looks more like a large bald eagle every day.
Andie. I got nothing to work with here! She has no sense of humor, shit for brains, and she’s ugly as sin. But we “love” her anyways…because we have to.
Tucker’s scared shitless.
So that’s it for the MacDonald’s this year. Keep your eye out for Keely…we’re starting to get worried. Hope your year has been eventful, and remember: only you can prevent forest fires. AND ALSO: use chickens for soup, not cats. Until next year, adieu adieu adieu. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Kevin, Lynn, Keely, Andie, Daniel, Midnight, Tucker, Alan, Tyler, and Pauline (and all those cats out there)
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR CAT! Support the SCV, save a life. Use chicken-stock. Just do it.
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR CAT! Support the SCV, save a life.
Use chicken-stock. Just do it.