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In which i discover i'm a gatherer - Good Enough
The chronicles of an underachiever

koolaidmom11
Date: 2010-09-20 07:18
Subject: In which i discover i'm a gatherer
Security: Public
Location:Home
Mood:excitedexcited
Music:Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla
Tags:deer, hilarious story, hunting, in which, kevin, lynn


I was driving down my street on the way to my 9:00 spin class yesterday morning when I noticed something incredibly disgusting by the side of the road. If I had been smart, I would have continued on my way but then, I am rarely smart so instead I backed up to see what the hell it was. It was nasty and looked like the inside of some animal and it was actually spilling out onto the road. But there was no outside … no carcass … at all. Now, although I live in a city, I live in a neighborhood on the outskirts of town that has large lots and huge meadows that are “common areas”. In addition to that, there is a huge lake about a quarter of a mile from the house and woods surround the neighborhood. As a result we have an abundance of wildlife around including eagles, falcons, groundhogs and more importantly, deer!

I’m thinking that the only thing that could be this large was a deer or what’s left of a large deer. So, I continue on to my work out and on the way home, I practically puke again seeing this pile of “whatever” by the side of the road. Fast forward a few hours and I ask Kevin if he’s seen the disgusting thing at the end of our street. He replies that although he’s passed it twice, he hasn’t noticed it. “How is that possible?” I ask. At any rate, the neighborhood association has noticed it and reported it to the Carcass Department (it’s conceivable that it’s not actually called the Carcass Department but it’s all the same to me) who states that they will clean it up on Monday.

Later, Kevin and I are on the way to a movie and I’m driving. I always drive because Kevin’s driving makes me motion sick. At any rate, the nasty shit is on the passenger side of the car as is Kevin. I stop for Kevin to take a look at the stuff. The following conversation took place:

Me: “Check out that stuff. Isn’t it nasty? What do you think it is?”

Kevin: “Could you just start driving so I don’t have to keep staring at it.”

Me: “What do you think happened?”

Kevin: “I think somebody dressed a deer.”

Me: “What?”

Kevin: “Yeah. I think some hunter either hit a deer or saw a deer hit and decided not to waste it so he dressed the deer.”

Me: “That’s ridiculous. Why would anybody dress a deer?”

(I have no idea what “dressing” a deer is so I start visualizing what it could be)

Me: “Are there certain clothes that you put a deer in?”

(another pause)

Me: “And what are the odds that you would have deer clothes in your car anyways?”

Kevin: “No Lynn. (long, patient sigh) Hunters dress a deer. It means that they gut the deer, pull out all the organs and stuff and then take the rest of the deer home.”

Me: “Oh my god. That’s disgusting. Where would you put the deer anyways? In the back seat of the car, that’s gross.”

Kevin: “Probably in a pickup truck, or on the roof or something.”

Me: “That’s nasty, there’s no way I could ever be a hunter. The thought makes me completely sick.”

(More thinking about the entire situation)

Me: “Well, I guess I’m a gatherer then.”

Kevin: “A what?”

Me: “A gatherer. You know, there are hunters and there are gatherers. I’m certainly not a hunter so I guess that I’m a gatherer.”

Kevin: “How do you figure that?”

Me: “Well, everyday I run up to Fresh Market to the cooked food section, gather all the food we need for dinner and come home and put it on the table. I’m a gatherer!”

Kevin: “Er… I’m not sure that’s what a gatherer actually is Lynn.”

So there you have it, our hunter gatherer conversation … and also how to dress a deer … without requiring clothing.
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March 2013