The other night we had a party at our house. Every three years, our company has a National Sales Meeting here in Greensboro. At some point in the week, we have a party for all the sales reps to come to our house, enjoy the food and wine and just generally wind down from whatever it is that my brother makes them do all day.
The party is actually a lot of fun as I have it catered with a bar so I just run around and bullshit with people, which is my forte. Wine and beer are flowing so people are generally pretty relaxed. As I only see these guys every three years, I can’t remember their names. It’s not that I don’t try but I can’t. Then they’re all sad and puppy dog like because they think I don’t remember them.
I do remember them, just not their names. I mean, if I wasn’t for the post it note that I attach to Kevin every night that says “this is Kevin MacDonald you dumbshit, your husband of 20 some odd years” I wouldn’t even remember his name when I wake up. So seriously, there’s no way that 40 guys are going to walk into my house every three years and I’m going to remember their names. I mean, they only have to remember me and trust me, I’m pretty unforgettable, but I have tons of them to remember. But that doesn’t stop them from sulking.
This year was a unique opportunity to launch my new blog on the unsuspecting world at large. After everybody was mellow, I went around and handed out my “All Fooked Up” business cards. Yes folks, I have made business cards. That way, when people ask me for the link I already have it printed up. Even if people don’t ask me for the link, I hand them out. At any rate, I handed out the cards and made a general announcement that went something like this, “Hello everyone, this is the link to my new website “All Fooked Up”. My goal is to become famous enough to publish a book and then reach my ultimate goal of becoming a Professional Talk Show Guest. Therefore, it is essential that every one of you not only check out the blog but I expect at least ten of your nearest and dearest to become followers. If this hasn’t been accomplished within two weeks, YOU WILL BE FIRED.”
Okay, after the huge silence I thought I would check with Sherry, our Human Resources manager to find out if this was legal. Apparently it’s not legal to fire people because they won’t read my blog. Undeterred however, I didn’t let them know this. I have done nothing but promote this blog and honestly, I’m pretty bored with myself and I didn’t even know that was possible so I feel that it’s time for someone else to pick up the slack.
The meeting is now over and all the guys have taken off for points unknown. But don’t worry, “All Fooked Up” will be accompanying them. So, ready or not, here I come world.
I mean, I’m just saying ….