‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
No one was stirring, they were all too soused!
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were supposed to be asleep in their beds,
but were up complaining, I’ve got an ache in my head!
“Go to sleep Keely”, I was heard to explain.
“You’re bugging me now, you are such a pain!”
“I can’t sleep” whined Andie, “there is too much noise.
What’s this crap about Santa not bringing me toys!”
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the Sash.
It was only Kevin, with his basketball guys in tow!
I said to myself, on my, oh no!
Not those jerks now, at my house Christmas eve.
How will I ever get those morons to leave?
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
“Get the hell off my roof”, I said to the Guy.
“Get that sleigh off right now, take off for the sky.
We don’t need more toys, and we don’t have some cookies.
You must think us fools, we’re not some damn rookies!”
He just ignored me and down the chimney he bound
and remarked, “hey bitch, just pipe down that sound!”
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry.
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
In fact, he was fat, not a little rotund, and I’m
pretty sure he had drank quite a ton!
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and
the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
I said “Hey buddy, there’s no smoking in here”.
And the big fat guy responded, “What a pain in the rear”.
He got down to it and went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, he moved pretty fast
For a fat guy that is, with quite a fat ass!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like a bullet from a pistol.
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight.
“I’ll get you, you bitch, if it takes me all night”!