I’ve decided that in honor of Keely Rae MacDonald’s 21st birthday (which was yesterday) I will be having a “Keely” week. If sharks can have their own week, why not Keely MacDonald so without further ado …
I know I mentioned earlier that I had easy pregnancies and had a difficult time gaining weight, which for me, was like hitting the jackpot. In fact, I had no morning sickness, no limitations, no nothing. However, around 8 months I did start having Sciatica problems. As anyone who has had this happen can attest to, this is not just a pain in the ass but in reality, a huge pain in the back. One moment everything would be fine and then the next, the kid would get on your nerve (literally) and no matter where you were, at least in my case, you would have to lay flat on your back. This happened constantly in the last month of my pregnancy with Keely, hitting me in the grocery store, Walmart, you name it! It was incredibly inconvenient.
So by 8 months I was starting to get a little bit irritable about the entire situation. On the day that Keely began knocking at the door, I woke up, went to the gym to go swimming, the only activity I could do at this point since racquetball was no longer an option, and then came home feeling sorry for myself and decided to eat a pound of peanut M&M’s. Of course, I was feeling kind of sick when I remembered I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch. Feeling nauseous the entire time, I finally made my escape back to my rented condo and lay flat on my back watching soap operas.
Before I knew it, I feel wetness and I start thinking, “Great! As if this doesn’t suck enough now I’m having incontinence.” I go to the bathroom, call Kevin at work, and announced that my life officially sucks. Kevin asked me if maybe my water broke? What? I was two weeks early and everyone was always telling me first babies are late so this had never even occurred to me. He insisted I call the doctor’s office and of course, they made me come in to get checked out.
Sure enough, my water broke and they told me to go directly to the hospital. I told them I couldn’t because I hadn’t even packed a bag and was in no way ready to have a baby! I went home, met Kevin, packed up my bag and off we went to the hospital. At this point, Keely decided to fuck with my life. She decided to just chill, painfully, on my spine. I think the only good thing that could be said for that evening is that Kevin, who always tells people that he’s 6’4”, was found to be 6’5”. It’s true! They made me walk around so long in the stupid hall that I was bored, and I measured him myself. At any rate, Keely broke my water, and then stalled. Nothing happened; except for some pain followed by more pain. Finally, they started pumping me full of Petossin and sent in the anesthesiologist to put in an epidural.
Doctor: “How can I help you?”
Me: “I’d like to die.”
Doctor: “Excuse me”
Me: “I’D LIKE TO DIE!!”
Doctor: “I can give you an epidural”
Me: “Can you just inject an air bubble into my blood stream and kill me?”
Doctor: “Ummm…I don’t think I can do that”
Me: “Fine, just give me the goddamn epidural then.”
He did. I spent the rest of the night bitching at Kevin, calling him names, telling him that he would never touch me again. You get the gist of it.
Finally, at 7:02 on October 18, 1989 they put the most beautiful baby in the world on my stomach. All was right with the world at that moment, or so it seemed. However, Keely’s arrival created quite an upheaval; such an upheaval, in fact, that the event was referred to from then on as “the San Francisco Earthquake”. So there began the exceptional life of Keely MacDonald who, as always, likes to make an entrance. I wanted to introduce her to you because she has said and done so many ridiculous things that there will be many stories about her in the future. So until then …