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In which i discuss wrecking my car - Good Enough
The chronicles of an underachiever

Date: 2010-11-05 07:25
Subject: In which i discuss wrecking my car
Security: Public
Music:Life in Color by Coldplay
Tags:car, humor, in which, kevin, lynn
As per usual, when there is a conversation in the entry, the formatting is SHIT. So, go to All Fooked Up for a better format! http://allfookedup.blogspot.com However, the same words are here.

A few weeks ago, my youngest child Daniel, wrecked his car. Astoundingly enough, this was the first car accident any of my three children has had in the five years since I have had young drivers. (Knock on wood). Of course, Kevin was out of town so I had to rush up to the scene of the accident and take charge. Daniel was concerned and feeling awful about the wreck as he had gotten the car as a Christmas present and now it was looking pretty bad. He looked at me with trepidation and waited for me to get angry.

I just looked at him and said, “Daniel, I have absolutely no room to talk when it comes to wrecks and your father did a bonehead thing a few years ago as well so we won’t be lecturing you. Let’s just talk about being a more defensive driver” (as he had pulled his car out into oncoming traffic trusting the guy was going to stop which he didn’t).

By the time I was 17, I had had three wrecks. And trust me, my dad wasn’t the “no lecture type”. The first wreck I had was within a month of getting my driver’s license. My mom was out of town so I was going to have to confess to my dad. I drove over to my grandmother’s house feeling pretty hysterical. I figured that this would be the last conversation I would ever have with my dad as he would surely kill me. Boy, did I get yelled at for doing such a stupid thing. Later, during that same year I backed into a fancy sports car in the high school parking lot and then went up to Baltimore to visit my older brother and wrecked his car. Let me tell you, that one didn’t go over well.

I managed to make it through four years of college with out wrecking anything and then the year after college, I absolutely smashed into somebody else’s car, so you see, I really don’t have room to lecture. You would think from all this that I’m a terrible driver but that’s not actually the case. I always seem to make assumptions that people are going to do what they say they’re going to do. For example, if you signal me to pull out in front of you I would assume you were going to stop and let me in… apparently that’s not always the case. My first wreck the person was making a right turn and once they began to turn, I sped up. This was all good and well until the person STOPPED. At that point, we had a slight problem as two vehicles struggled to occupy the same space. I’m not making excuses; I’m just pointing out what happened. In Baltimore, the driver waved for me to merge and I did, it’s just that he was in the spot I merged in to.

At any rate, after college and my year at home I sold my car and moved to New York City. Obviously I didn’t have a car there and therefore I also had no wrecks. Now don’t think I didn’t drive. I did. I had business trips all over the United States, mostly to paper mills in out of the way places, and I rented cars to go on said trips. I didn’t wreck these cars so I consider those the Golden Years of Lynn’s Mad Driving Skills!

As I said, I had a bit of a hiatus from the car wrecks. Once Kevin and I got engaged I moved to New Jersey and bought a car. I had no problems there either however, when I moved back to Greensboro things changed a bit. I like to think that once I had kids I became a more careful driver, and I’m pretty sure it’s true because at this point, people began smashing into me. Of course, smashing into a Land Cruiser is never a good idea and the cars doing the smashing suffered far more than my car did. Instead, I started running into inanimate objects.

In about 2001, I decided to trade in my Land Cruiser, which had about 95,000 miles on it, for a Toyota Sequoia. As my friend Katherine told me the other day, “I remember asking you why you were trading your car in for a new one and you replied: I need more cup holders”. Don’t be judgmental: that is typical rationale for me. At any rate, the Sequoia was a mistake: a HUGE MISTAKE. That car was self-wrecking. It was literally a magnet to run into every inanimate thing that could be found.

After school, I would often take the carpool (my three kids and three from across the street) to Cook Out to grab a milkshake. They make the most incredible milkshakes there! Now Cook Out has a drive through and so you don’t hit the building, they have a huge metal post protecting it. So I’m going to get a milkshakes in my brand new car and WHAM, I smack right into the pylon and destroy the front right corner of my car. The damn thing was brand new but apparently, the turning radius wasn’t quite the same as the Land Cruiser. That one didn’t go over well on the homefront!

The next thing that happens is I’m backing out of a driveway and BOOM, I smash right into the mailbox. I could have sworn that there was nothing behind me. Yep, there were some serious blind spots in that car. After that, I hit a support structure for a telephone pole and there’s a dent in the back bumper for that as well. But here comes the clincher.

We finally move into our new house and I’ve got the kids in the car. Now I wear prescription glasses, can’t bother with contacts, so I always get in the car first thing and put on my prescription sunglasses. After all, I’m driving east into the sun! So I walk into the garage and once again, Kevin’s left his garage door up when he left for work. I press his button and my button as well to close his door and open mine. I hear the garage door going up so I’m really not paying too much attention at this point. I get in the car, put on my sunglasses, tell the kids to buckle up, put the car in reverse and BAM.

Me: “What the hell was that?”

Kids: (silence)

Me: “What?”

Keely: “Mom, you just backed into the garage door”

Me: “Goddamnit, are you serious?”

Andie: “Yeah Mom, you did!”

Me: “Shit, let’s go see how bad it is”

Me: (mumbling … your father’s going to kill me)

So, I get out of the car and the door is buckled out and broken pretty bad. I have to manually raise it but I manage it and then I take the kids to school. Now comes the bad part. I gotta confess to Kevin. This house is BRAND NEW. MY car is BRAND NEW. I’m in deep shit. My entire life is spent confessing to Kevin because you can’t even imagine the carnage I leave in my wake. So I confess, he gets pissed, I get the garage door fixed and life goes on … for a while … until two months later I do it AGAIN. Yeah, I did it again. Three times in fact. Three goddamn times I back into the garage door without opening it. It’s weird, that never happened at my old house but it did here. What do I do? I sell the damn car and get a new one. There was obviously something wrong with that car.

I’m a little more careful now and I haven’t backed into the door in years although I did once smash into the brick on the right side when I was coming in too fast. My car still has little dings on it because apparently my life is like a bumper car.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks. That’s why I didn’t yell at Daniel. So if you see me on the road, you’re probably safe but you better batten down your mailbox.

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March 2013