Dear friends, family, and other miscellaneous associates:
Today I undertake the monumental endeavor of updating you on the life of my family that you otherwise might not be aware of. Now, let us start with my first daughter, Keely. Keely, now a stunning 6 foot 2 fashion model, has been maintaining a 6.7 GPA on the 4.0 scale. Her long blond hair has propelled her to new levels of the modeling business. Her stellar performance of a 2622 on the new SAT’s has led to recruitment from the Pentagon, Applied Physics Lab and such mediocre institutions as Princeton, Harvard, and Yale, as well as offers from China to join in their government. While studying abroad in France this past summer, Keely managed to pick up not only the French language, but Portuguese, Spanish, and Italian as well, bringing her up to a total of eight languages. While merely playing around with dangerous chemicals in a lab last year, Keely discovered the cure to many rare and unusual diseases, some of which have yet to appear in humans! For this she was awarded the Nobel Prize, beating out that other kid who developed nuclear fusion in his basement without help (see last month’s Wall-Street Journal.) Keely’s swimming has gotten so fast that they actually had to put a weighted vest on her to make it fair to the other kids. She still dominates the pool like a shark. With all this, Keely is just your average 17 year old, 6 foot 2, blond-haired blue-eyed, super-model child.
Moving on to my more proper daughter Andie. We’ve seen improvement in Andie’s behavior over the past few weeks since she got out of Juvenile Hall. I think having the felony conviction reduced to a misdemeanor was a real boost to her morale. Just last week she stopped cutting herself and she’s been sober for almost 3 months. We’re still working on the drug addiction and rehab will continue. Through all these problems, Andie has managed to bring much joy and new insight into our lives. I myself had never seen the inside of a police station and had never known that tasers were so painful. Andie is also a stellar student and if it weren’t for all of the criminal acts she’s committed in the past few years, I’m sure she would be able to get into a college somewhere.
Daniel has moved on from XBOX and has become a professional sports watcher. He has really become quite proficient at the art of multi-tasking, being able to not only watch multiple football games but eating various, different snack foods at the same time while commentating. He often feels the need to update us on various sports scores for games that we really don’t care about. Bob Costas has recently contacted us to see if Daniel could join the staff of his HBO show. Of course, that would require him to stop mumbling and enunciate which I can’t imagine happening. Daniel doesn’t say much unless we are actually trying to watch something important, in which case he won’t shut up. Don’t worry, it’s not irritating.
Kevin is a f***ing mess. Enough said.
I’m fine if you like short, fat, dumpy, poorly-dressed women. I’ve been very busy on my computer playing many games. Lately, I’ve moved on from Mahjong to games including spider solitaire and Sudoku. Recently Kevin gave me a performance evaluation on the job I do around here and I got a 45 out of 100. No BONUS for me this year. I’ve decided to become a personal trainer because all of my spinning has made me so strong that the bike actually started moving forward in the middle of one class. It’s actually impressive that for someone who spends close to 2 hours a day working out, I’m actually in terrible shape. I’ve also been informed that I’m pretty stupid and losing my memory on top of that. This from my two teenage daughters. LESSON LEARNED!! Don’t have kids!!! While looking at colleges recently, I realized that I’m lucky I’m through all that because I’m pretty sure that I could no longer get accepted into college.
Tucker (the dog) has successfully pooped or peed on every rug or piece of furniture in the house and he spends his whole day sleeping under the bed terrified of the cat. Speaking of the cat, Midnight’s stomach is now the size of a small child. She once sat on Daniel and he broke his rib. Don’t worry, it’s healed by now.
As you can see, my family is functioning very normally and successfully. I hope things are as good for you as they are for me. They probably aren’t because my family is pretty perfect! If you really want to know how we are, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
NOTE TO THE READER: this letter was dictated to Andie MacDonald from Lynn, and some of the language was changed in the process. The MacDonald family cannot be held responsible for the content of this letter. No video or audio recordings are permitted. Violations of these terms are punishable by law.